Happy 2013!


So another year came and went…

And yet, I’ve achieved almost nothing.
Yes, I’ve nearly completed my novel, however, I’m having trouble tying up some of the loose ends within a reasonable word count(While I do intend to keep working in the world I’ve created, the current protagonist has run his course. Not to mention I’ve hated the bastard since pretty much chapter 6…).

Hope you’ve all partied well on new year’s eve.
Drive safely, etc’, etc’.

In the spirit of being inebriated(not enough to knock me off my ass, but enough to make me lower my guard), I’ve something I’d like to confess about:

I hate humans.

Or rather, I did, up till about 36 months ago.

Back when I was a young lad, of about… 10, I’ve grown to despise the human race.
I can’t really say why, but it happened.

Because of my… Aversion to human contact, I’ve become a shy and socially awkward teenager.
And honestly, I couldn’t give less of a shit at the time.
When I’d go to school, I’d put a mask on, that hid the real me, and pretend that I cared about people, or some shit like that.
Most of the time, I’d rather just hole up in the school’s library with a book, a pair of headphones, and whatever was on my playlist for that day.
I was a complete loner, and, again, I couldn’t give less of a shit about that, because most of my brain preferred to be separate from the pack…
I was a lone wolf, looking from outside at a world I didn’t belong to.

Despite what I’ve told pretty much everyone, the tattoo on my back of a lone wolf sitting under a moon isn’t dedicated to my grandfather.
It’s actually me that’s tattooed there.
It just took me some time(roughly two years) to realize that myself.

Now we’ll jump to 2010.
I’d started going along with invites to various outings, and started to hang out with people who I can now say, are my friends, but at the time, because I’d still kept my walls up, were just people I’d tagged along with(but pretended to be friends with…).
As I’d mentioned earlier, wearing a mask had been really easy for me, so the somewhat carefree, but still distant and contemplating role was actually really easy for me to slip into.
I’d go out with them, have a laugh, make a joke(or a fool out of myself), but once the timer on the mask expired, I’d go back to my real self.
That time was, for me at least, a way to evolve and enhance my writing, since I couldn’t possibly write about a lone wolf…
Even Dexter, the most psychotic character I’ve yet to encounter(If you can find a better example, write so in the comments), has had friends.
So I figured I should at least do a bit of research if I’m going to write about something(everything in my novel, at least the bits and pieces that contain the various sciences, were all written after a deep research, so the science is mostly sound).

Slowly, the walls began to crack, and I’d actually grown close to them.
I found myself genuinely having fun when going out with them, and actually felt happy when they’d call me up and ask me if I wanted to hang out.

then, sometime during February 2012, I’d again shut myself in my coffin, and stopped contacting people.
These past three months however, my friends had gotten back in touch with me, and the part of me that was yearning for human touch, the part that grew between 2010 and 2012, filled with happiness again.
Even the lone wolf aspect of my personality had begun to feel the effects of loneliness, and couldn’t bear only looking at the world from outside anymore.

Now, every time they call, I try and make time, because I’ve found that I really, really don’t want to be alone anymore.

That last paragraph caused me to tear up, not because I’m sad, but because I’m happy.

Thank you Vila, Ilia, Yochai, Boris, Richman, Vlad, Andrew, and everyone else.
You’ve really changed me, and I’m grateful for that.
Thanks for a wonderful time.

With that, I’d also like to share my resolution for the year of the snake;
I’d like to be able to open up completely, not just on occasion.

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